


What Hurts the Most

by IvanW



Series: Song Inspired Fics [16]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Love, M/M, Post-Five Year Mission, Romance, Song Fic Collection, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:07:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27108460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: This song fic is based on Rascal Flatt's What Hurts the Most.Kirk watches Spock walk away at the end of the first five-year mission having never told Spock he was in love with him.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Song Inspired Fics [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487456
Comments: 101
Kudos: 296





	1. Watching You Walk Away

**Author's Note:**

> I intend to have this finished by the end of this month (October).

Jim remembered when Spock and Uhura broke up for good.

There’d been a time or two before, where they hadn’t spoken to each other, or where they were clearly at odds in their relationship, and to be truthful, Jim had stopped paying attention.

In the beginning of knowing them, when they’d had problems, he had watched. For what? Well, he had never analyzed that too carefully. Couples had problems and couples broke up all time. Jim knew that. Had experienced himself to varying degrees. And had listened to laments from Bones about his marriage and divorce.

But Spock and Uhura’s on again, off again dance had become a bit tedious, and so Jim had pushed it firmly out of his personal space.

When they finally did end things for good, after once more reconciling after the events at Altamid, they’d both come to Jim separately asking for a transfer from the Enterprise. Eventually, he had been able to talk both of them out of the idea. And things went back to some version of normal.

It hadn’t been easy at first. Their breakup hadn’t gone at all smoothly. It was acrimonious. For quite some time they wouldn’t talk to each other at all, unless required to by ship’s business. Jim didn’t ask either one of them what happened, he figured he’d had no business knowing. 

Spock had begun to spend a lot more time with him after that. And at some point, Uhura found someone else to turn her romantic interests to, and things eased up between them. While it took another year before they called themselves friends again, it was better.

Bones had asked Jim once why Spock and Uhura ended things for good.

“You ever ask him?”

“Of course not.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not appropriate.”

“What? Why? Spock’s your friend. You two are joined at the hip these days.”

“I’m also his captain and prying into the private lives of my crew isn’t appropriate, Bones.”

Bones had stared at Jim for so long that Jim began to feel uncomfortable with the scrutiny.

“He never asked me about what happened with Carol,” Jim pointed out defensively.

“Well…that.” Bones shrugged and took a sip of his bourbon.

“What?”

Bones shook his head. “There was a time I thought…never mind.”

“ _What_?”

“I thought her and I might…” Bones pinched the bridge of his nose. He downed his drink.

“You never told me you were interested in Carol.” Jim tried not to make it sound like an accusation, but it did. He knew it did.

“When you have you mind set on someone, it’s pretty hard to interfere,” Bones said, musingly. “And anyway, it’s just as well. You turned that bright smile and those baby blues on her, and she was lost.”

“Bones, I’m sorry…”

Bones waved that away. “Never mind. All that’s behind us and I have no feelings for Carol. This isn’t about her anyway. It’s about you and Spock.”

“Me and Spock?” Jim laughed. “Don’t you mean Spock and Uhura?”

Bones leaned back in his chair. “Do I?”

Sometimes people can be deliberately obtuse, and Jim knew he’d pretty much perfected that himself. And maybe at some point Jim would acknowledge what Bones tried to get to in this conversation, but it wasn’t now.

“Spock is private. You know that. He’s not brought it up and I won’t either.”

And that had been the end of that conversation and Jim had been, frankly, glad.

He wasn’t glad when the five-year mission was over and there was no word from the admiralty as to whether another one was coming.

That meant if they ever did get around to it, Jim was liable to do it without many of the crew he’d had before. They were all going their separate ways. And Jim was just going to have to deal with it.

“You know they’ll put you out again,” Bones had told Jim one of their last nights on the Enterprise.

“If they are, they sure are taking their sweet time about it.” He took a long swig of whiskey. “Mom thinks they’ll offer me a promotion.”

“Commodore?”

“Or…”

“Admiral?”

“Yeah. And ground me.” Jim made a face. “I think that’s what she wants.”

“You gonna take it if they do?”

“No. I don’t want to be grounded. I want to be up here among the stars. But without everyone…” 

“Jim,” Bones said gently. “People leave. Move on. Change jobs. Change ships. Happens all the time. It’s part of life.”

“I know, Bones. And the truth is, who knows if they’ll even give me the choice. I’m too young to be put out to pasture.”

“Some don’t see a promotion like that as bad,” Bones said dryly.

“They only say that to save face.”

Bones smirked then. “You’ll never change.”

Only Jim had changed. He really had. Experiences changed him? Sure. Maturity? That too. But he wasn’t at all the kid who became the youngest captain anymore.

He’d avoided speaking with Spock about the end of the mission, even as they played their last few games of chess. Spock hadn’t really brought it up much either.

Their last game they had spoken but a few words about it.

“Will you be going to Riverside?”

Jim nodded. “At first, yeah.” Until he heard from Starfleet anyway. He hadn’t given up complete hope about that next mission. Anyway, they’d put him somewhere eventually as he didn’t intend to resign. Jim cleared his throat. Somewhere he was aware his heart pounded harder than it should as he asked the next question, but there was that deliberate obtuseness again. “You?”

And even though Jim knew Spock and Uhura were not together and hadn’t been for a while now, and Uhura even had someone else, he still would not have been surprised had Spock said something about going off with Uhura. He was well aware others could be deliberately obtuse too and he thought Spock and Uhura were good candidates there.

But that wasn’t what came.

“I will be going to New Vulcan,” Spock replied, softly.

It had such a note of permanence to it, those words. 

He didn’t elaborate and Jim didn’t ask for details.

But later, just before they were due to disembark, he’d seen the notification of Spock’s resignation from Starfleet. So whether Jim went out again with the Enterprise or not, there would be no Spock.

Jim stood to the side, waiting to say goodbye to each of his crew that wished to say it to him as they departed the Enterprise, perhaps for good.

Bones was on board still going over medical supplies that needed to be removed as the ship would undergo some refit and refurbishing.

Jim already knew Sulu wouldn’t be with him either as Sulu had accepted a promotion to captain of his own ship, the Excelsior. 

“Good luck, Hikaru.”

“Sir.” Sulu shook Jim’s hand. “Jim. It’s been an honor.”

“For me too. Say hello to Ben and that sweet daughter of yours.”

“I will, sir. And thank you.” Sulu shook his hand once more, warmly, and was off.

Next came Uhura to see him. He was a little surprised when she threw her arms around him, but he hugged her back.

“Maybe I’ll see you again,” she said with a sniff.

Jim swallowed. “Hope so.”

“Listen.” She looked behind her, watching others depart, and then back to Jim. “Have you talked to Spock?”

“He hasn’t disembarked yet.”

“No. I mean before.” She paused. “About things.”

“Things?”

She sighed. “Between the two of you.”

Jim frowned. “What are you talking about? You mean him no longer being my first officer?”

Uhura pursed her lips. “You know he’s going to undergo Kolinahr.”

“Okay.”

“ _Okay_? You mean you aren’t even going to try to stop him? Are you really this thick-skulled?”

“Stop him? Why would I do that? Spock gets to make his own decisions.”

She huffed. “Do you remember all those years ago when you said you wanted to rip the bangs off Spock’s head?”

Jim stared at her.

“That’s just what I want to do to you right now. God, you’re so annoying. I gotta go. See you, Kirk.”

And she was off leaving Jim confused.

He spoke to a few more crew members before Spock finally appeared before him.

Spock had changed out of his uniform and now wore all black. Somehow it made him look more forbidding. His expression was pinched, or vaguely so, in Vulcan fashion.

“Hi. Uh. Everything all set, Mister Spock?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim pasted on a smile. “Jim. I mean, you’re not even in Starfleet anymore.”

“Then you heard.” He was looking somewhere over Jim’s shoulder and Jim nearly called him on it, but didn’t.

“This morning.”

Spock nodded. “I intended to tell you, but I couldn’t seem to find the time.”

Jim was reminded of a time before during the mission when Spock couldn’t find the time to tell him he was leaving.

He moistened his lips. “Well. I guess, you’ll be helping with the colony now.”

“Yes. I am also going to undergo Kolinahr.”

“What is that?” Jim asked, knowing full well what it was.

“The Vulcan method of purging all emotions.”

“Sounds…logical.”

“Jim.”

“Yeah?”

“I…apologize for not discussing my decision to leave Starfleet after this mission with you prior to resigning.”

“It’s okay, Spock. I’ve only ever wanted for you to be happy and if this is what will do it, then I think it’s great.”

Spock inclined his head. “I am certain you will retain command of the Enterprise.”

“I hope so,” Jim replied. “We’ll see.”

Spock held up his hand in the ta’al. “Live long and prosper, Jim.”

“Yeah, you too.” Jim never had done it very well, but he gave it his best try.

Spock stared at him a moment longer and then turned to leave.

“Wait.”

Spock turned, expectedly.

Jim impulsively embraced his friend. And for several seconds Spock just stood there, stiff and unyielding, accepting the hug but not returning it. He was about to pull away and apologize when Spock’s arms came up and around him and held him there a moment longer.

Jim closed his eyes. He tried not to think that this was probably the last time he was ever going to see Spock.

Spock loosened his hold and then dropped his arms away altogether, so Jim did the same, and stepped back.

Spock said nothing then and just turned and walked away.

A hand landed on Jim’s shoulder and he turned to smile at Bones. “All finished?”

“Yeah.” Bones watched as Spock continued to leave. “So that’s it, huh?”

“Looks that way.”

“You know you could have said something,” his friend said, quietly.

“The words always stuck in my throat.” Jim blew out a breath. “This is what he wanted, Bones. For a while. And I don’t know, the neediness of me and Uhura, were what kept him from it. Now he doesn’t have to be burdened by either of us.”

“You sure do have your excuses lined up. But they won’t keep you warm at night.”

Jim laughed at that. “Whatever. You ready?”

“I am. But leaving all those words unspoken…”

Jim put his hand on Bones’ arm. “Let’s ride the shuttle together. At least until Riverside.”

Bones sighed. “Change of subject I see.”

They began to walk out of the bay where the Enterprise was docked. Jim kept looking behind him at the ship. He damn well hoped he would see it again soon.

“Will you be my CMO again if we get another mission, Bones?”

“Are you crazy?”

“Probably. But will you?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “ _Someone_ has to keep you alive.”

“That’s the spirit.” Jim grinned but his steps faltered as he spotted Spock getting into the passenger side of a hover car. Looked like a car full of Vulcans.

“Remember Edith?” he asked suddenly.

Bones frowned. “Keeler? Of course I do. What made you think of her?”

Everyone, Spock and Bones included, thought Jim had made Edith his girlfriend. His lover. But he never had. He’d spent the time he’d known her talking about someone else.

It was hopeless then. And hopeless now. Always hopeless.

_“At his side as if you’ve always been there and always will.”_

“Jim?”

“Nothing. Forget it. We have time for a drink, right? I need it.”


	2. I Can Take the Rain on the Roof of This Empty House

Jim really couldn’t say what made him do it. Take a side trip to Chicago. It was not at all on the way to Riverside. In fact, he had to go past Iowa. And he’d taken Bones with him.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew his presence wouldn’t be welcomed, but someone told him she was there, with his son, and Jim went there.

As soon as he stood outside the yard, decorated with pumpkins and scarecrows, and skeletons—he’d forgotten it was October on Earth—, watching the small tow-headed boy play with a brunette woman as Carol Marcus stood nearby smiling.

That smile dropped the moment she spotted Jim. She said something quickly to the brunette who ushered the boy away as though a tornado was headed their way.

And Carol rushed at him.

“ _Jim_. What are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry. I know I should have—”

“Too right you bloody should have,” she said, angrily. “You can’t just…I’m gobsmacked by this.”

“I’m sorry. I just came back from the mission and I-I wanted to see him.”

She crossed her arms in front of her and blew out a breath. “Listen, we decided we weren’t going to be together.”

Carol had given him an ultimatum. Marry her and resign and give up his Starfleet career and have a family with her. He’d said no before she had even told him she was already pregnant.

“You decided,” Jim said, softly.

“Starfleet is no place to raise a child. I know that from my own personal experience with my father. You made your choice. Coming here like this is just going to confuse David.”

“I’m not trying to confuse him. I just thought…” But he didn’t finish the sentence because she was looking very determined to refute whatever he would say. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“David’s going to be raised solely by me, Jim. This wasn’t the life you wanted and I respect that, but your life isn’t what I want for me or my son. I want you to stay out of his life. Don’t interfere.”

Somewhere in some odd forgotten memory or knowledge he thought of another Kirk and another Carol and another David. Did it always go like this? He wished the other Spock was around to ask, but no, that knowledge had passes away with the ambassador.

“Okay.”

Because what else could he say? He could fight it, sure. But if he had his way he’d be gone for yet another five years, maybe more, and yeah, that wasn’t fair to David.

She was right, and he knew it.

But he tried one last time anyway.

“Maybe I could see him just once before I go.”

Carol shook her head. “No. Jim, that would just confuse him. He’d wonder who this stranger was. I just…he doesn’t need to know you. I’ll give him everything he’ll ever want. I promise.”

“All right,” Jim agreed. “Sorry I surprised you. It was just an impulse.”

She nodded. “No harm done. Take care of yourself, Jim. I wish you well in wherever space takes you.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek, then walked away.

Jim found Bones waiting for him, seated on a block wall, studying a small PADD he held in his hands.

“That was fast.”

“She wouldn’t let me see him.”

“What?”

Jim exhaled slowly, put his hand on Bones’ arm and squeezed. “Nah, it’s okay. She’s probably right not to want me around. Probably screw up his life anyway.”

“You would not. And for the record, you’d make a great dad.” Bones put his PADD away. “Want me to take a stab at her?”

“No, she won’t change her mind.”

Bones searched his face. “You sure?”

“Uh-huh. And I’ve delayed you long enough now. I’ll get you on the shuttle that takes you right to Georgia now. Before I head back to Iowa.”

“When are you going there?”

“Next shuttle for Riverside leaves in the morning.”

“I could—”

“No, you couldn’t. Go see your daughter, Bones. If we get that five-year mission time will pass quickly and you’ll soon be filled with regrets that you didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with her.”

“Jim.”

And a little bit to his surprise, Bones hugged him. Tight. Bones was sort of a one arm kind of hugger and it was usually pat on the back and let go at that. But this one was different.

He pulled back though and gave Bones a reassuring smile. “I really am all right. Stop worrying.”

“I’ll always worry. It’s my job.”

Jim laughed. “Rotten work that.”

And they left to get Bones on the shuttle.

****

In the morning, early, he left the bed of a dark haired guy he met at the bar after seeing Bones off, and slipped out and away.

Jim couldn’t quite remember the name. Ryan or Brian or something. With his dark hair and dark eyes, he’d been a poor substitute for…no. He wasn’t going there.

Honest.

He ate a continental breakfast on the shuttle to Riverside and was standing looking at the old farmhouse at just a little before nine in the morning. The sky was ominously overcast. 

_“Given his druthers, I think your dad would have stayed on the farm forever. Was his folks place before his. I hated it when we were young. Me a farm girl?”_

Sam had hated it as much as she did. Jim was pretty sure Sam would have with or without Frank’s interference. Jim wasn’t quite as in love with it as his dad had apparently been. He came in somewhere in the middle.

He shifted his bag on his shoulder and approached the front door. His mom had placed a pumpkin there and it made him smile even as the first drops of rain fell upon his forehead. 

Jim let himself into the empty house with his code and set his bag down. The house was dark.

“Computer, kitchen lights, please.”

And they came on, lighting up the kitchen.

Before he’d gone to Chicago he had received a message from his mother telling him she’d had to go to Delta 3 for the next few weeks for her job. She hadn’t wanted to. She’d wanted to be there with Jim and he’d wanted that too. But, for now, it wasn’t to be, and the house was his alone.

Not being in Starfleet didn’t guarantee that you could spend time with your kid, Jim thought. But he was an adult, of course. And he could and would take it. 

The wind picked up and the rain got heavier. Jim could hear it on the roof in the dark empty house. Tears sprang to his eyes in an unguarded moment. Just a few. He wiped at them impatiently.

“James Tiberius Kirk is not a cry baby,” he said out loud.

The house refused to answer.

He went into the kitchen and made himself coffee. It was bound to be a long day.


	3. When I See Our Old Friends and I'm Alone

Jim woke with an arm around him that just…felt wrong. He instantly felt bad for thinking it. But there it was. He moved away, extracting himself, and getting out of the bed.

She groaned and flopped onto her back, staring up at the ceiling, blinking for a moment or two. Jim was already searching for his clothes.

“It’s early,” she muttered.

Her name was Annie and he’d known her once long ago, when he was still an angry punk in Riverside. That was another Jim, now. Far removed from the starship captain he had become.

“I’ve gotta get going.”

He’d gone to the bar last night, sick of only himself for company. And there he’d run across Annie. Once they had fit, reasonably well. Not anymore.

She’d had a kid, she told him, one that was away now, first year in college. The father had never been in her life. One day, Jim figured, someone would say that about him, with David.

Annie got out of bed then, naked, and searching for her own clothes. “You sure? I can make breakfast.”

But that was way too domesticated. Jim knew he had no future with her. She probably knew it, too, the way she was avoiding his gaze. He felt like scum.

“Yeah, thanks. But no.”

She followed him out of her house, standing on her porch, wearing a big fluffy robe. Her gaze was sorrowful and Jim felt worse, for he knew he put that look there.

“Listen, thanks for last night,” he tried. “It was great.”

Funny how once this was all so easy. Not anymore.

Annie nodded. She didn’t look convinced and Jim could hardly blame her. For a moment his memory flashed with the younger version of them. Her with her long, curly red hair, laughing as it blew in the wind as she rode on his bike. Him thinking everyone had it out for him. Annie agreeing with him, just because he wanted her to.

She lifted her chin. “Will I see you again?”

Her red hair was short now, and had a few gray hairs. His too, for that matter.

Once he was pretty sure he loved her. Now he loved…a phantom, he guessed.

He moistened his lips and shook his head. There was no point in lying to either of them.

“I don’t think so, Annie.”

She smiled faintly. “Riverside never could contain you, Jimmy. You were destined for greater things.”

Jim didn’t know about that, but if Annie wanted to believe that, well.

“See you.” And he offered her a smile, and knew it would never be enough.

****

The farmhouse was still empty when he returned to it, of course.

But he did have a message from Admiral Warren.

_Kirk, come to San Francisco. We need to talk._

After acknowledging Warren’s message, he booked himself a shuttle for that afternoon, as well as a hotel room for the night, and headed out. 

Jim was ushered in to see Admiral Warren immediately that afternoon.

“Jim, it’s good to see you. Been a while.” Warren rose to shake Jim’s hand. “Have a seat, son.” He gestured to the chair in front of his desk.

Admiral Warren, who’d known George Kirk in the Academy, was about the age his dad would have been had he lived. He had two sons and a daughter, all in Starfleet.

Warren was gazing at Jim rather bemusedly.

“Sir?”

“Just odd seeing you without Commander Spock. Last time, well, I thought the two of you might…”

When he didn’t continue, Jim asked.

“Oh, nothing.” Warren waved his hand. “Just you two seemed very close. Joined at the hip as they say.”

Jim nodded. “We were good friends. We made a good team.”

“Indeed you did. I was…surprised when he chose to resign. Shame for the Fleet.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Means choosing a new first officer for you,” Warren said carefully.

Jim’s heartbeat sped up. “Does that mean…”

Warren grinned. “It does. You’re retaining command of the Enterprise and going out on another five-year.”

The relief he felt was potent. Jim blew out a long breath.

“That’s great news.”

“I knew that’s what you wanted. Of course there was talk, Barnett among them, pushing to promote you to Admiral and ground you.”

Jim made a face.

Warren laughed. “Yeah, I knew that was not what you wanted, Jim. I pushed for the Enterprise for you. You’re still young and there’s plenty of time for the promotion.”

“Thank you, Admiral. I appreciate it.”

“You’ve earned the chance to do what you do best, Jim. So get together who you want for your crew and send us the list. No guarantees you can get everyone you want on your roster, but we’ll do what we can.”

“How long do I have, sir?”

“Two months. The Enterprise needs some work. But I wanted to give you plenty of time for the planning. Especially given you’ll need a new first office.” He shook his head. “Still strange not to see Spock with you.”

Jim forced a smile. “Yeah. Thank you again. Don’t want to take up too much of your time.”

Jim stood and so did Warren, who walked him to the door of his office.

“Back to Riverside, Jim?”

“Tomorrow, Admiral. I’m staying over tonight. Made plans to have dinner with Jaylah. Hoping to get her for my crew.”

Warren nodded. “I’m sure that’s very possible. She’s due to graduate the Academy next month.”

****

“James T.”

Jim smiled. “That’s Captain James T to you.”

He had joined her at a dining table in a small restaurant by the Andorian Embassy that served several Andorian dishes.

“I hear you’re about to graduate.”

“Yes. At the top of my class.”

“Heard that too. I’m headed out again on the Enterprise. Two months. I’d like you on the crew. Interested?”

Her eyes flashed with immediate interest. “Very much so. Will Montgomery Scotty be on the crew?”

“I think so. I messaged him. Haven’t heard but I expect he will. Gave me every indication when we parted that he wanted to continue as Chief Engineer. With your focus on engineering, you’ll be in his department reporting directly to him.”

Jaylah nodded her pleasure. “I look forward to it, Captain James T.”

He laughed. “Good.”

They ordered food and then as he sipped a particularly delightful Andorian wine, he noticed her studying him.

“What?”

“There is a light missing.”

Jim snorted and looked around the dimly lit restaurant. “Yeah, it’s called ambiance.”

Jaylah rolled her eyes. “Not the restaurant. You.”

“Me? Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You are not happy to go out in Enterprise again?”

“I’m thrilled. A dream come true.”

“Hm. Then…”

“I’m just tired, Jaylah. Been a long day getting here and meeting with Warren. All there is to it.”

Jim figured he sounded pretty convincing, even to himself. Anyway, she changed the subject, and Jim was glad. 


	4. What Might Have Been

In the shuttle bay, waiting to board the one that would soon depart for Riverside, Jim stopped to look at a wall of holo pics of deceased Starfleet officers. His dad was there, yeah. He’d seen that particular one many times over the years.

But the one for Pike, he hadn’t been able to look at very easily. Perhaps the one of his dad should bother him more, but that was a man he hadn’t really ever known except through stories from his brother and mother. Sam barely remembered their father any more than Jim, really.

Pike, however, well…

“Hello, James.”

Startled, Jim turned to see Pike’s widow Una, standing beside him. He hadn’t spoken to her in years and then it was…under very bad circumstances. Once she had been Pike’s first officer, until their relationship had turned very personal. At the time, Starfleet had strongly recommended they not serve together, and so Una had left the Enterprise. Jim didn’t really know her well.

“Hi,” he said, feeling rather lame. “How are you?”

“Oh, well enough.” She looked at her late husband’s picture. “Surprised to see you. Is the Enterprise back then?”

“Yeah, we completed the five-year. We’ll go out again in another couple of months.”

Her lips curved slightly. “Good. I’m glad you’re living the life Chris would have wanted. For him and for you.”

“Una…”

She sighed. “Thank you for the sentiment I’m sure you’re struggling with. I get by. It doesn’t really get any easier though.”

Jim swallowed the lump lodged in his throat. “Do you…”

“Do you?” Una prompted.

How did Jim put into words the twisted emotions roiling through him? Those that had consumed him, honestly, for longer than he cared to admit or think about.

“Regret what happened. Between you and Chris. How you had to leave. One of you did, and you chose to. Do you ever regret loving him and him loving you? Not being there by his side because…because they wouldn’t let you?”

She was quiet for a few minutes as they continued to stare at Pike’s portrait.

“I believe things have changed in the Fleet from what they used to be,” she said at last. “Had we been a young command team now I think they would have reconsidered what Chris and I had to face.” She turned to face Jim. “I have regrets. Of course. But loving Chris for the time I had with him is not among them.”

Jim nodded. They’d been treated unfairly, in Jim’s opinion. Pike was an upstanding, above the board officer who would have always done what was right, personal relationships notwithstanding.

He would have done anything to keep Spock by his side as his first officer. Pushed aside _anything_. Pretended even to himself that he only felt friendship. He couldn’t face losing Spock because of something Starfleet dictated. And yet, despite all his efforts to hold on to that, he lost Spock anyway. Spock had left of his own accord.

And Jim was left wondering if his own stupid silence was worth it. Would it have made any difference at all?

“What’s on your mind really?” she asked him.

“Spock left Starfleet,” Jim replied. “He went to New Vulcan. He’s not going to be my first officer when we go out again.”

She folded her arms in front of her chest and leaned against the wall next to her husband’s picture. “And how do you feel about that?”

“Like my heart’s being ripped out.”

“Did you ever tell him?”

Jim laughed without humor. “Of course not. I wouldn’t even admit it to myself until it was too late.”

“And what happened with me and Chris definitely influenced you there,” she guessed.

“Yeah. And honestly, for the longest time, he was with someone else. I’m not a home wrecker no matter what anyone else thinks. But even when his relationship with Uhura ended, I didn’t or wouldn’t go there. I don’t even know if he feels the same. I’ll never know what might have been though.”

“Maybe it’s not too late.”

Jim shook his head. “He planned on going through Kolinahr.”

“I can’t speak to why Spock would go through that. I’m sure always trying to be so Vulcan contributed, but otherwise, I can only guess. But I can tell you that what I would have regretted most, if I hadn’t stepped up, would have been having Chris die without ever knowing how much I loved him. He was loved so very much, James, and he got to know that.”

_Now boarding the shuttle to Riverside, Iowa. Now boarding the shuttle to Riverside, Iowa._

“That’s you. Now you go and decide what’s worth it to you.”

****

Once seated on the shuttle, Jim sent Spock a message. It was only a single sentence. And he had no idea if it was enough or if it would even reach Spock.

_I miss you._


	5. Knowing That Loving You is What I Was Trying to Do

Jim figured himself for a fool when he placed the carved Jack-o’-Lantern on the front step of the farmhouse. People had stopped really trick-or-treating long ago and it wasn’t like he was going to any parties. It was just for himself he guessed.

Something to do.

And he did a piss poor job of it too. Jim laughed at himself. He’d been trying to carve it to look like, well, just your typical one, but somehow it ended looking like a twisted version of a Gorn.

“Not one of your talents, Jimmy boy.”

His smile faded at the old, wretched nickname, even if he’d used it. Old memories and habits died hard, he guessed.

With a disgusted scoff at himself, Jim went back inside and cut himself a slice of the store bought pumpkin pie he’d purchased earlier that day. Yeah, so maybe, he was eating his feelings.

He’d been back in Riverside two days now.

Had received no response from Spock to his own probably cryptic message. To say he was disappointed was an understatement, though, he wasn’t really surprised.

He’d contacted Bones to let him know the Enterprise was going out again with Jim as his captain and that he’d like to confirm Bones as his CMO. Bones had, predictably, grumbled, but they’d both knew it wouldn’t be any other way.

Jim had been more slightly unsure of Uhura, but that morning he’d received her response that she was, literally, onboard with returning.

He hadn’t yet addressed the absence of Chekov, who’d perished near the end of their last year, in an ambush on a planet Jim had fought over with Starfleet. That was a hard one to think about.

And of course, Spock.

God help him, but Spock was the worst for him. How was he going to go on without Spock?

Jim finished the pie and rinsed the plate in the sink and debated whether he was going to go drinking or not. His heart wasn’t really in it, though he’d gone the night before, and vaguely mentioned coming back tonight.

A noise outside had Jim going to the front window in the living room to look out. It sounded a bit like a hover car, but he didn’t think his mother was coming back this soon.

But sure enough, he could see someone was coming to the door. It was a chilly night, with temperatures hovering about thirty-seven degrees Fahrenheit, and whoever was paying Jim a visit wore a hooded coat.

There was a light tap on the door and at first Jim didn’t even move, though he’d watched the person come up the step. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, but it had nothing at all to do with Halloween. It was a different sort of fear.

Fear of hope.

Because Jim was suddenly, painfully, aware of who stood at his door.

The tapping was louder now.

He went to the door and laid his hand on it, as though he could feel something through the wood.

Blowing out a very unsteady breath, Jim opened the door, suddenly terrified he was absolutely wrong.

“Captain.”

The voice was soft, almost a whisper, but unmistakably Spock’s. 

Jim had an urge to moisten his suddenly dry lips, but he fought it and forced words out. “Spock…what are you doing here?”

“I heard that you are going out as the captain of the Enterprise once more.”

“Yeah.”

Spock nodded, the hood moving when he did. His breath swirled out. “As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully, I would like to submit my candidacy. I can provide character references, should they be required.”

“Spock.”

And God, that was all he could think to say. His knees felt a little weak honestly.

Spock quirked a brow. “If I may enter, it is rather cold out here.”

Jim stepped back and away, allowing Spock inside the farmhouse.

Spock closed the door himself and lowered his hood.

Jim had never seen anyone so…beautiful really. His eyes stung with tears he couldn’t seem to control. 

He took a step closer to Spock and his breath caught when Spock’s hand came up to frame his jaw.

Jim searched Spock’s face. “Spock—”

“Nothing…is right since we parted.”

“For-for me too. Did you…”

“No, I could not. To undergo Kolinahr…it would be to purge you. And whether your feelings align with mine, I wish to…remain by your side.”

“I think I’m gonna die,” Jim whispered.

“Jim?”

He heard the alarm in Spock’s voice. Shook his head.

“Sorry. Just…God, Spock I’m overwhelmed.”

“I do not under—”

Jim kissed him. And yeah it was a little salty because one of his damn eyes chose that very moment to spill a tear right on their mouths. And that figured. Only Jim Kirk would make his first kiss with Spock watery.

He had expected his kiss to startle Spock, but it hadn’t. Didn’t seem that way, anyway, because Spock kissed back, fervently.

Jim found himself backed against the nearest wall, Spock’s hands now in his hair, holding their faces, their lips together, kissing like they’d never stop.

But Spock did stop, to draw back only momentarily.

“Your answer to my candidacy?”

Jim smiled. “It would be my honor, Commander.”

****

“Jim, it is snowing.”

He stretched out on the bed, his face down in the pillow. He yawned and flipped over. Spock stood at the bedroom window, gazing outside.

“Halloween snow storm. That’s early.”

Spock turned back to look at him. “I have left marks.”

Jim smirked. “So did I.”

He opened his arms for Spock and Spock came back into them and on the bed. He drew Spock’s mouth down for a kiss.

“This changes our dynamic.”

“Mm. I’m going to have to report it.” Jim sighed. “I was worried about that for the longest time.”

“Because of what happened with Captain Pike and Number One.”

“Yeah. But I’m pretty sure Admiral Warren already thought we were together. He kind of hinted at it but never really said. Whatever the case, I won’t…I don’t want to be parted from you again. So they’re going to have to deal.”

Spock nodded, closing his eyes for another kiss.

When he opened them again, Jim whispered, “I don’t want to leave any words unspoken, Spock. They’ve been saved for too long in my heart. I love you. I’ve loved you for a very long time, I think. For so long I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing. Loving you.”

“I love you, Jim.”

“I’m so glad you got my message.”

Spock quirked a brow. “Message?”

Jim frowned. “Didn’t you…you know what? Never mind. Doesn’t matter. You’re here and that’s all I care about.”

Spock kissed him.

And it was a long time before they stirred to get up from the bed again, tangled in sheets, warmth, and love.

But when Jim stood at the window later, watching the snow fall, Spock came up behind him and put his arms around him.

“Jim?”

“Mm?”

“I missed you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this story. I love finding endless ways to get these two together.  
> OTP <3


End file.
